Where, Oh, Where Has My Discipline Gone?

So basically I should just admit that I am afraid to write! I can't even call myself a writer because in my head that means you have been published, right? But then, on the other hand, if you write, you're a writer. You shouldn't have to wait for anyone to bestow that label upon you, you should claim it for yourself. But I am procrastinating, researching the hell out of my two novels as a way to avoid actually writing anything. And, as for dialogue, I am terrified to write that! 

I recently completed editing a family friend's juicy epic family saga that took her 20 years to write and the piece stunned me. It hasn't been published yet, but that's the goal. She had characters talking to her! But after reading it, I am sooooo intimidated! My characters aren't talking to me. They show up in my head, but they have yet to open their mouths and I have yet to open my mind, I suppose.

I am scared to write because I am afraid of what might come out. I am afraid to hang myself with my own words, as I heard one writer suggest you need to be prepared to do in this profession. I don't want to lay my soul bare before anything or anyone. Yet I feel the impulse that led Octavia Butler to admit: "I wrote myself in, since I'm me and I'm here and I'm writing." As a black woman that statement takes on a deeper meaning. What she's saying is I exist. I exist. And I will write myself into the world because others are not and will not. I exist and I will show you that I do.

Likewise, I am very clear that I want to represent women like me. I want to leave a body of work that shows I existed, that women like me existed, because no one else is going to do it. Writing is my calling, but it's also a mission. I want to represent and exemplify the beauty and range of women of color and to do that I must, as Toni Morrison said, "write the book I need to read."

But I have to cut the excuses and stop waiting for "inspiration" and just sit my arse down and write, no matter how I am feeling, every day. Every single day, especially on the days when I don't feel like it! I have to stop worrying about immediate perfection and quality right now and focus on quantity. 

I read a book about the writing life and style of "top" Hollywood screenwriters and it was really interesting. They don't go for the inspiration thing either. They wouldn't get any work done. They treat it like the job that it is. They show up and just do what they have to do, no whining, no complaining. Of course, they are getting a nice hefty check, but that's beside the point. They do what needs to be done and in the end that's what it's all about. So I guess I need to let go and let God. I also need to get Zadie Smith's writing off the brain, lol.

But I digress.....