Faith the size of a mustard seed

I know that's really small and I know that my faith has got to be even smaller than that. I point this out because the Bible says God is available to us even if our faith is not the size of Texas or Kilimanjaro. I have to believe in this because right now I just don't trust God. I am giving God the straight up side eye about a lot of things, happening and not happening in my life. I live life these days waiting for the other shoe to drop and I live ready to blame or honor God depending on the status of the most minute occurrences in my life.

Now I must admit that I know why I don't trust God. It's because I don't get "my way." And by "my way" I mean because things aren't the way I want them to be...easy or all right. I don't like trouble, problems or pain and I do everything I can to avoid it, which isn't easy. I am trying to reconcile this idea that I can't NOT experience these things in my life, that difficulties are a reality, pain is a reality, death is a reality.

But I HATE having to acknowledge that. It feels like giving in to a whole other level of negativity. As I enter the second third part of my life, believing in good things to come has become especially crucial to me. I HATE it when people say negative things about growing older. I don't want to hear that! I don't want to focus on that...so what if it does, do we have to talk about it so much...can't we just let it be.

I mean I don't want to live in a fairy tale, but....yeah...I can't even write the words without feeling foolish. Like, I don't want to BE a princess, but I want to be a princess. The truth is I am in love with perfection..I know its ridiculous but somehow I have taken it on as something to aspire to. I don't know when and where this happened. I know I should work on it but it is hard. What I have invested in it I don't know or else I am not willing to acknowledge it.

I just want what I want when I want it and I know that that makes me selfish. I know this. I know this. I know this. Presumably right now I am okay with that. Sort of. I guess if I was totally I wouldn't have these thoughts but, man, I really really really really despise sacrifice. I love life revolving around me in every way possible. I don't WANT to sacrifice, especially voluntarily. It's one thing when it's something that happens involuntarily. I pray to be better intellectually, but emotionally I am just not there yet.

So this also makes me petty. I hate that word, but it, too, is true. I know that I must cease engaging in childish ways but it is hard when things that I have always done or believed reveal themselves to be as such. There's a comfortable pattern that I have to continuously recognize, acknowledge then alter. That's hard...I guess I have to be up for it whether I want to be or not...